my blog got hijacked, sort of

This quote, which I found in December and stored in draft form since then, mysteriously found itself on my blog recently. I removed it due to the fact that I didn't post it myself. I've begun to think that it was a hint.

"The Old Year has gone. Let the dead past bury its own dead. The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time. All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!" ~ Edward Payson Powell

the trodden path

winter farm ~ david hayward

"The snow is lying very deep.
My house is sheltered from the blast.
I hear each muffled step outside,
I hear each voice go past.
But I'll not venture in the drift
Out of this bright security,
Till enough footsteps come and go
To make a path for me."
~ Agnes Lee

hope

Firstly, thanks to all of you who sent up prayers for my brother and his wife, on the loss of their baby. Apparently my brother can already say that Bella has been a blessing in their life and did not leave this world without having an affect on it. It has brought he and Marissa closer together. I was so glad to hear this, because something like this has just as much potential to drive a couple apart.

My brother wrote a letter to Bella that was read at her funeral. I guess many men have gone into "silent" mode after such a tragedy. My brother has been a tower of strength and has probably surprised himself.

As heartbreaking as this loss is to them, they are already talking about trying again once they get the green light. This shows their strength and courage.

I'm sure they will always feel the loss, and have many miles to walk before their hearts don't feel constantly raw. At the same time, I pray that Bella some day has a younger brother or sister.

Thanks again for praying.

why?

This weekend I gained a new niece. Her funeral is this afternoon. She was lost to pre-eclampsia. It was caught too late. My brother's wife had to deliver their daughter 2 days after she had died. She was due next month. They've had a few miscarriages. This was their first pregnancy that endured. Their first hopeful child.

All of my family live 2 provinces away, so I didn't even get to see Marissa pregnant. Marissa and I have never really had a chance to get to know each other very well, because of the distance. For me it kinda seems surreal, but I feel the loss and I can't believe it. Especially when I heard how they got to hold her for over an hour after delivery. I can't even imagine how overwhelmingly painful that would be.

I think of my brother who has muscular-dystrophy. Why was this added to his pain?

My sister took some black and white photos of her, looking as if she's sleeping. I haven't been able to bring myself to open the e-mail yet.

They named her Bella. She is, and always will be my seventh niece. Some day I'll meet her. Up there.

Happy New Year

I'm strangely sad that 2008 is over. It wasn't an easy year. It wasn't an extremely difficult one either. We experienced a lot of crap from the outside, but I've already spoken of that before and these days I really don't dwell on it much. Privately it was the most bountiful year we've ever had. We worked and toiled the softened ground of our hearts and reaped a load of tasty fruit, and a bundle of fragrant flowers. Sounds corny, but it will be a year that will go down in the annals of our time.

We spent our last evening of the year with friends, and food and drink enough to fill 5 times our selves. As much as I enjoyed that, I often find it hard to really relax and enjoy myself when socializing, because it's been a year of seeing people estranged from our church be subtly scoffed at. It's especially difficult when people incorrectly assume you don't know the situation and if you were "in the know", then you'd "understand". When it happens, I suddenly find myself detached for the remainder of the event. In my head I end up asking God, "what do I do here? i like these people i'm hanging out with. how do i handle these feelings of anger and injustice? why the conditional/cold/non-existent love?? why do people play judge and jury?" We're no less judgmental than the next community.

I would find it easier to disregard if it weren't so prominent, if it weren't such a poison that is coursing through the veins of the church. If it was one particular person then you'd just figure "oh that's so-and-so, they're just like that". Thing is, it appears to me to be somewhat of a mob mentality situation.

Ah well. I suppose if I were a nice/good/polite little girl I'd hush up and not mention it. Tow the party line. Sometimes Jon tells me that all that matters is that we as a couple and family are healthy and whole, but if no man is an island, then no family is an island either.

Is it too much to hope that 2009 will have less judging, condemnation, gossiping, scoffing, favouritism, and as a result, less wounding? Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell.

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~ Hal Borland