tears out of nowhere

After clicking the play button in Napster to listen to an album yesterday afternoon, and beginning to prepare a Thanksgiving dessert of Deep Dish Pumpkin Pie, I was hit with the urge to cry. I didn’t know why. There I was, cutting butter into a mixture of flour and sugar and holding back tears. I eventually couldn’t see and thought it ridiculous to try to bake and cry at the same time. I popped everything into the fridge, went into my bathroom, and sat on the toilet to cry. But why was I crying?? I'm not the kind of girl who cries easily.

I thought about our financial struggles and started to bawl and pray about that. Was there anything else? I thought about my place at church and again my gut clenched and more tears came. Where do I fit in? I prayed without words, but instead with tears and random thoughts. Old feelings surfaced, of rejection, skepticism, abandonment, cold-shoulders, being seemingly invisible, walking fragile and left alone, presumed taken care of but not, conditional love….more gut wrenching tears. That season is more or less over, but the hurt and disappointment remains like a residue, and more so than I realized. It makes me a little leery, and distrustful. I want healing from that. I don’t think I’ll be as naïve as I was before, but I don’t want to be neutralized and rendered useless. I don’t want to be robbed of the ability to love people. I don’t want to always feel unsafe and guarded, not even a little bit. Even so, I know I need time to heal, and I want genuine healing. Feelings swept under the rug cause future bumps to stumble over.

God has been so sweet and loving to me over the past year and a half, through every step of my fumbling through the fog. He’s given me everything I desperately needed but was lacking. I have a home where I feel respected, cherished, valued, and protected. I have newly blossoming friendships that I didn’t have before. I have received more strength and healing than I deserve, it truly amazes me, and yet I realize that I still carry so much pain. I want to be everything I was made to be. I don’t want to be a diminished version of myself. I want to live fully, love fully, forgive fully, and continue to grow in maturity.

If you ever see someone who is obviously hurting and fragile, but has retreated out of the need for self-preservation and protection, can I offer you a suggestion? Please don’t wait for them to ask for help, for a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear. That’s a cop-out. I’m sorry, but it really is. Slip them a note. It could be a long note of encouragement, or it could be an “I’m thinking about you”. You would not believe how much that helps. It gives you hope. There were times that Jon and I cried out to God wondering if anyone cared at all. The few times someone would reach out to us, it helped us to survive and not give up on people.

In the end, I am so much happier and content and in so many ways. Life is really really good. Even so, one would be a fool not to want to be free from past hurts and disappointments. I don't want to walk with a limp in any way, if I don't have to. I want to be whole, so I can be wholly alive.

This is the song that had just started playing as I was hit with the spontaneous tears. The lyrics were oddly appropriate.

Garments of Praise - Robin Mark (album: “Celtic Worship: Live from Ireland“)

Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Let the oil of gladness flow down from your throne

Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Your joy is my strength alone, my strength alone

Make these broken weary bones
Rise to dance again
Wet this dry and thirsty land with a river
Lord our eyes are fixed on you
And we are waiting
For your garment of praise
As we praise your name