Goodnight 2008

Goodnight 2008. How how good you've been to me. Your brother 2007 brought a metaphorical storm that uprooted a half dead tree in our backyard that looked pretty and ornamental on the side facing out, but was half dead and spindley on the side facing in. This uprooting allowed more sunshine and light into our private garden. You helped my soul mate love and nurture me back to health. He was my best friend, my confidant, and the only one who understood. You opened our eyes to the years of famine we had both come to not only tolerate but embrace out of ignorance. We were equally ready to face our failures, and thus equally rewarded for it.

This summer, someone who hadn't seen me in a year looked at my face, cocked his head and said I looked refreshed, as if a burden had been taken off my shoulders. Oh yes 2008, they saw what you did! They saw that the weight I had carried around for many years and had resigned myself to had been lifted. I had no idea it could be read on my face.

2008, you even saved the best for last, because December has been dearest to us yet. I can tell you're opening another door. I can tell the best is yet to come. We're grateful, and our hearts are full.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

sweet christmas day

Highlights of my Christmas:

Sleeping in until 8am and lingering in bed with Jon for an hour. The kids are beyond the age of waking us up early on Christmas morning.

Eating eggnog french toast made by Jon. Eating fried left over mashed potatoes & onions & bacon made by Jon. Eating additional bacon on it's own. You can never eat too much bacon.

Getting some surprise presents from Jon, even though we had agreed to not buy each other anything.

Seeing Jon's face when I gave him a surprise present of a black soft thick wool hat that I knit, the kind like he's always wanted. I began it 2 days before Christmas!

Not having to be anywhere else but in our comfy home.

Learning that you can make a squash easy to peel by boiling the whole thing for about 5 minutes. Brilliant! Thanks Google.

Eating a homemade turkey dinner with all four of us sitting at the table at the same time (rare!). It was all sooooo yummy!

Getting EXTRA dark Lindor chocolates from Jon.

Enjoying my kids enjoying their presents. They didn't care that this Christmas's tree was not over-stuffed with presents as in years past.

Ending the evening with Jon opening a bottle of champagne and making a toast to our sweetest Christmas yet.

“He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Christmas Eve

Dear Diary,

It's Christmas Eve. Tonight we went to our church's Christmas Eve service. Jon thought it started at 6:30pm, but he was wrong. I normally would confirm the time with someone else, but I uncharacteristically didn't. We arrived a half-an-hour late. I'm kinda glad though, cuz even though it was awkward (eeeeek!!) walking in late, it affected me profoundly. Sounds mysterious huh? Let's just say I was reminded of heartfelt prayers I prayed last December. We'll leave it at that.

It was a nice service, but short for us, ha ha! I'm glad though.

We dropped the kids off at home and went to the house of a friend of Jon's, but just for an hour or so. Faith was not impressed. We had just missed the crowd, so it was just family that we hung out with. It was nice. I'm usually not comfortable with people I don't know from Adam (is that a saying?), but I liked being out of my element and just relaxing on their couch while sipping whiskey that we had brought mixed with Diet Coke that they had. My only concern was getting sleepy and becoming useless for the rest of the evening. Two strong drinks and I'm still operational. Phew! Jon and I plan to crack open a bottle of champagne later. How romantic!

Well I still have presents to wrap, and Jon and I plan to watch a movie and eat some shrimp and seafood dip, spicy, even though Jon wanted mild - I like to expand his horizons. Jon likes it when I expand his horizons.

Goodnight dear diary. May I not forget to be tender-hearted this season and beyond.

my december

This December I've really not felt that tingly Christmas spirit. We only just started Christmas shopping on the 19th, and that's just for our 2 kids. We're pretty much done. It's a quick job when your budget is modest. Jon and I can't afford to exchange gifts. We're not buying any gifts for anyone outside of our little family. School tuition eats up our money (and more). Doesn't it sound like I'm lamenting?! You know what though, it's been our happiest December ever! Never have I ever felt more content and happy. Jon feels it too. He's so relaxed and carefree about this holiday. It's not Santa that has a twinkle in his eye in this house, it's me and my baby!

The kids are just as content. They are off school after all. Faith is happy to be baking sugar cookies. She's happy knowing she'll get a few new things tomorrow morning. She's happy to be watching old Christmas movies with me while Jon is at work and Mitchell is playing his PC games.

Tomorrow we don't need to be anywhere so we'll cook our own turkey dinner. I'm looking forward to that more than anything!

This has been the sweetest December ever for Jon and I. The whole month has been very romantic. I'm so grateful to God for this whole year. It's been the most blessed year of our lives. I almost hate to see December end, because God saved the best for last in 2008.

Merry Christmas!!!

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love." - Hamilton Wright Mabie

sex is...

I watched this youtube video posted on another blog. It's great! It's also a reminder that regular teachings on sex is very important within the church. I wonder how many churches make this a priority? I wonder how many are actually equipped to do so? To neglect such a paramount aspect of life is sad! How many married couples suffer needlessly for years? How many teens are ill-equipped? How many people suffer shame when they don't have to? What are we afraid of? An entire book of the Bible was dedicated to the subject, so God must think it's pretty darn important!

The church is not responsible for people's sexuality, but it could sure help by getting people thinking about it and talking about it. Sexual health is a lovely thing! Sexual fulfillment within marriage is a powerful thing! :o)

the five love languages: the retest

Jon and I read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman last year. It was really enlightening. I did this online test last February, but Jon was curious to see if my results would still be the same. The only thing that changed was I seem to love words of affirmation more than ever ("acts of service" and "gifts" dropped!), but what I think is really going on is I get words of affirmation more than ever, and it makes me feel more loved than ever. :o)

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		12
Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		2
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

"no christmas for me"

This is the cutest Christmas song ever!!! Smooth...ahhhhh...

love.redemption.warm.true

When they blow Gabriel's horn, rip fiction from fact
I want to get caught in some radical act
of love and redemption, the sound of warm laughter
some true conversation with a friend or my lover

Over The Rhine, portion of the song "Here It Is" from the album "Snow Angels", Songwriters: Detweiler, Linford

just you and me and candlelight

I've Got My Love to Keep me Warm
Les Brown & His Band Of Renown (PSAPP'S Lady remix)

darlin' christmas is coming

Wish I'd found this song a year ago cuz the sentiments would have been a perfect fit last December, but it's such a lusciously sweet song that I simply must post it this lovely December.

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

Over the Rhine ~ "Snow Angels" album

christmas song

I love Dave Matthew's music. He's such a poet.

Dave Matthews Band ~ Christmas Song

solitude

"Solitude" by Michael Schaffer

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of it's own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

until it is healed

I'm not in a place of sorrow, and I don't exactly abhor people (I do struggle with trust issues), and yet I can relate to this quote, minus the last 2 words.

The sorrowful spirit finds relaxation in solitude. It abhors people, as a wounded deer deserts the herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead. ~ Kahlil Gibran

*I keep editing this post in an attempt to make my thoughts more clear!

“Throughout Western societies, and most especially in North America, there has occurred a fundamental shift in the understanding and practice of the Christian story. It is no longer about God and what God is about in the world; it is about how God serves and meets human needs and desires. It is about how the individual self can find its own purposes and fulfillment.

More specifically, our churches have become spiritual food courts for the personal, private, inner needs of expressive individuals. The result is a debased, compromised, derivative form of Christianity that is not the gospel of the Bible at all. The biblical narrative is about God’s mission in, through, and for the sake of the world and how God has called human beings to be part of God’s reaching out to that world for God’s purpose of saving it in love. The focus of attention should be what God wants to accomplish and how we can be part of God’s mission, not how God helps us accomplish our own agendas.”

Alan J. Roxburgh, "The Sky is Falling: Leaders Lost in Transition"

"I did not know I was on a search for passionate aliveness. I only knew I was lonely and lost and that something was drawing me deeper beneath the surface of my life in search of meaning. There is a hunger in people to go to those deep depths; to know that our lives are sacred; that our hearts are truly capable of love. It is a yearning to be all the we can be. A longing for what is real." ~ Anne Hillman, The Dancing Animal Woman

we are to be reflections to one another

“Serve others for they are reflections of the same Entity of which you are yourself another reflection. No one of you has any authenticity, except in reference to the Original. Feel always kinship with all creation.” ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

more on authenticity

In my need to understand this "authenticity" thing, I may be in the beginnings of understanding what it is, at least in terms of how I see people using it. The quote below helps. If being authentic is being a true reflection of what's in your heart, then I can honestly say I know very few authentic people.

"Don't underestimate the value people place on authenticity. Politicians listen to the focus groups and say the things they think people want to hear. But after 30 years of reading consumers, I know that they can smell phonies."

Interview with Ogilvy and Mather CEO Shelly Lazarus: http://money.cnn.tv/magazines/fortune/fortune_archive/2007/09/17/100258877/index.htm)

Finally, the wisdom of a swami (what's a swami exactly??) rings true:

"Become a principled human being. Become an authentic human being. When you say that you are going to do something, do it. Don’t say you will do something and then not do it. That’s not what a principled human being is like. Thought, word and deed must come together. These are actually the holy trinity within the human being: thought, word and deed. When thought, word and deed are in alignment at a very high level, then you are living a principled life. You are living an authentic life."

Swami Sai Premananda, Principles of Higher Living: The Western Experience Upon the Shores of Eastern Wisdom

authenticity

au·then·tic

a: worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact b: conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features c: made or done the same way as an original

Authenticity seems to have become a badge of honour, a character trait in and and of itself. Sometimes all authenticity means is genuineness. A genuinely loving person. A genuinely self-centered narcissistic asshole. See what I mean?

Authentic Christianity has become a catch-phrase. Google it and see. Authentic simply means "true". So an authentic Christian is a true Christian, the real thing.

I have an appreciation for authentic people because if you're a cynical and judgmental person and you don't hide it and you even go so far as to acknowledge those weaknesses, then I know what I'm dealing with and can relate to you keeping those character traits in mind so I'm less apt to become offended. A person doesn't have to be a follower of Christ to have this level of authenticity.

Authentic Christians on the other hand have been light to me in the darkness. They've spoken words of life when I was feeling death lurking all around me. They emulate the fruit of the Spirit. My appreciation for THIS kind of authenticity is beyond describing, mostly because it's rare and that makes it very precious and beautiful.

It's one thing to be real. It's another thing to be really loved.

me me me

I found some interesting quotes from a blogger on blogging and social networking. The comments she received show that many people were offended, which is understandable. Even so, one commenter calls the whole scene "ego masturbation".

I find her thoughts refreshing and honest, even though I enjoy my own random blogging. It can be very cathartic for example. Social networking sites on the other hand are a huge turn off for me, except of course my knitting one. Though I didn't used to, I now prefer having my personal life somewhat of a mystery, and I especially like being inaccessible to untrustworthy souls.

Here are my favourite quotes:

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all believe our lives are fascinating; that every website that’s captured our interest should hold equal appeal to those who know us; and that other people — whether we’ve met them in meat space or cyberspace — need to be informed of not only our latest thoughts as expressed in our blog entries, but even the minutia of our day as captured in 140 words or less on Twitter. And woe to our “friends” who don’t agree.

The web, which once existed as a place to which we turned primarily to acquire information about diverse topics, is now primarily a forum for us to put out information on the topic which fascinates us the most: ourselves.

Katherine Berry's entire article

it's just life

You know what would be a really really gross outcome of my post from yesterday? If people thought it was cool that this happens to me. It's not cool. It's not a reflection on me or my worthiness. That's laughable. It's a mystery. It's life. At the same time it's not unusual. I think it's just a matter of learning to pick up signals. Like if a person you know comes to mind out of nowhere. Or there's someone you just can't get out of your mind. Maybe you're being provoked to pray, even if it's as simple as hoping they are doing well and not a "formal" prayer. And the list of possibilities goes on.

I'm a lowly thing. I'm despised. I'm still chosen.

He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are. ~ 1 Corinthians 1:28

learning to take a hint

Sunday morning I woke up from a truckload of dreams, with one in particular to ponder and pray over. It had to do with terrorists hijacking planes and Jon and I witnessing the scene and a whole lot more. I think it might have to do with Jon and I, Jon in particular, taking our roles more seriously in praying for the church body as a whole. It felt serious and seriously dangerous, and though I like living in the land of sunshine and lollypops, I think it's time to be more intentional and humble about what we've been made for. We're not here to live for ourselves only.

That dream aside, what occupies my mind just as much is this: that same morning as I was trying to gather energy to get up, in full awakeness but with eyes closed, I suddenly had a non-sleeping dream where I saw a girl I know walk by me. There were others around, but we made eye contact for a few moments. She looked weary and drawn, unhealthily skinny and burdened. I spent the morning praying for this person's emotional and spiritual nourishment. For robustness. For strength and vitality. A few hours later I saw this person walk into church, wearing the exact thing she wore in my dream. It took me a minute to clue into that little tidbit, the outfit factor. I figured this meant it was an immediate need, it had to do with right now.

It all makes me realize for the hundredth time just how much God so tenderly cares for us, that he would show someone else, maybe someone not even close to that person, that this person needs prayer. God knows I sincerely care for this person. He also knows this person's sorrows, their burdens, whether temporary, or long-term, and he wants her to be supported with prayer. He wants that for every single one of us.

How often do we miss the message, and leave someone without support? How often have I myself failed to take the hint?

welcome dear november

We ended the month of October partying with a bunch of people we didn't know, save for a lovely girl we bumped into who goes by the name of Hannah. She's a well loved girl at our church, though she'd moved away and is now back and stuck in the city without a car. It was a treat to see her, and we had a nice long chat. No guys from Jon's work showed up, but we got to enjoy seeing some very creative 20 to 30-something year-olds come in one by one, with some pretty smashing costumes. It's funny how costumes break down barriers because it gives you something to comment on. Even so, I swear Jon and I were the only married couple, and there might have been one other girl drinking wine. A sign of being older and having refined taste perhaps?

What is it with drunk people getting louder and louder and louder?! I know the answer, but still, it was deafening! We left around midnight even though the party was still in full gear. It was nice coming home to our quiet little house and our little family.

October is over. Welcome dear November.

eat, drink, and be merry

One of the guys in Jon's department is having a big Halloween costume party this weekend. I'll finally get to meet some of the interesting guys I often hear about. Jon is going as a boxer who's seen better days (though you should see the other guy!). I'm going as a medieval maiden. I dare not say I'm a medieval barmaid lest I get conned into fetching drinks! I'm really looking forward to it, except for the fact that I just starting cutting back on my calories and eating super clean. Parties = drinking = losing all willpower over food. My son says "eat, drink, and be merry". I know he's right, but this is only day 4 of my weight loss endeavor and I'm doing really well. Crap!

This is one of my favourite somber autumn songs by Hawksley Workman:

a pointless post but i just gotta

it's a blustery day today. even pooh says so.

rain

it's grey and rainy today.

grrrrr

The Song of Deborah
by Donna Smallenberg
Yesterday the kids and I got into the truck to head out to school. I uncharacteristically flipped through some radio stations. Driving is usually my thinking and pondering time so I tend to like it quiet, plus it's wayyyy too early in the morning for unnecessary noise. We were picking up an American Christian station. A man and a woman were bragging on the station and how wonderful it was. The man said "yes, and the housewife can listen to it at home, and the business man at work". Well I flipped. I ranted to the kids how sexist that was, and my 15 year old son said it sounded like something out of the 50's. What about men who stay home to be full time dads, what about women who govern cities or countries?

This past Sunday in church while playing with the pages of my little bible I noticed the last chapter of Proverbs which describes a noble wife:

She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

Back in biblical days, women were in great positions of leadership, they were entrepreneurs. They did not have bake sales and little fund raisers when they wanted to contribute to society.

I don't know what else to say. All I know is this mindset makes me supremely cranky!

care

"The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say, "What are you going through?" ~ Simone Weil

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
- Rascal Flatts

TGIF

I love fridays. It means drinking without worrying about having to get up early the next morning, watching shows or a movie, reeeeelaxing. The house is freshly clean cuz my pal Kelly came over for some knitting, chatting, tea sipping, and sweet eating. I have supper all done, I'm talking chicken, potatoes, and veggies. An avid cook I am not. I can cook, but in my fantasy world, I'd have a cook that appears out of no where around 2pm, makes a gourmet dinner, a zero calorie all natural gourmet dessert, cleans up, and then vapourizes into thin air only to repeat the process all over again the following day.

Tomorrow night we eat like kings at Wendy and Andy's artsy house, drink once again, and laugh lots. We haven't done that in ages, I wonder if we'll recognize each other?!

It's sunny this evening and the woods are calling Jon, so we're about to take off (after snagging me a coffee at Irving). I'll knit on the way there and enjoy the old highway where the river, trees and farm land never fail to delight me.

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." ~ Albert Camus

just be

Tiësto - Just Be - The top video clips of the week are here

frost

frost on the leaves
frost on me
out comes the sun
frost undone

the things that count

Now, dear, it isn't the bold things,
Great deeds of valour and might,
That count the most in the summing up of life at the end of the day.
But it is the doing of old things,
Small acts that are just and right;
And doing them over and over again, no matter what others say;
In smiling at fate, when you want to cry, and in keeping at work when you want to play -
Dear, those are the things that count.

And, dear, it isn't the new ways
Where the wonder-seekers crowd
That lead us into the land of content, or help us to find our own.
But it is keeping to true ways,
Though the music is not so loud,
And there may be many a shadowed spot where we journey along alone;
In flinging a prayer at the face of fear, and in changing into a song a groan -
Dear, these are the things that count.

My dear, it isn't the loud part
Of creeds that are pleasing to God,
Not the chant of a prayer, or the hum of a hymn, or a jubilant shout or song.
But it is the beautiful proud part
Of walking with feet faith-shod;
And in loving, loving, loving through all, no matter how things go wrong;
In trusting ever, though dark the day, and in keeping your hope when the way seems long -
Dear, these are the things that count.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

life

Jon is at the gym and I would have gone with him except I'm sooooo tired. I find sunday mornings emotionally draining, but not in a bad way (not too much any way). Too many varying emotions packed into a couple hours is exhausting. Even so, I wouldn't trade it for sleeping in.

I don't look forward to having to get up early tomorrow to drive the kids to school, but I'm glad I get to have a good chunk of the day to myself, to knit, and process my thoughts in quietness. I've had a humbling week and it's had a ripple effect on me that I'm sure will last for quite awhile.

This week I must resist, as best I can, working on personal knitting and get my butt moving on my knitting-to-generate-an-income projects. Being a girl, it's hard to not touch the vest I'm working on, or the new cardi I want to start.

Supper is made. Baked salmon, and herbed green beans, which taste nothing like the ones Jon brought home from a restaurant the other night. Why??!!

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.” ~ Stephen Hawking (English Physicist, b.1942)

insight

On the river of life, as I float along,
I see with the spirit's sight
That many a nauseous weed of wrong
Has root in a seed of right.
For evil is good that has gone astray,
And sorrow is only blindness,
And the world is always under the sway
Of a changeless law of kindness.

The commonest error a truth can make
Is shouting its sweet voice hoarse,
And sin is only the soul's mistake
In misdirecting its force.
And love, the fairest of all fair things
That ever to man descended,
Grows rank with nettles and poisonous things
Unless it is watched and tended.

There could not be anything better than this
Old world in the way it began;
And though some matters have gone amiss
From the great original plan,
And however dark the skies may appear,
And however souls may blunder,
I tell you it all will work out clear,
For good lies over and under.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Poems of Sentiment

tears out of nowhere

After clicking the play button in Napster to listen to an album yesterday afternoon, and beginning to prepare a Thanksgiving dessert of Deep Dish Pumpkin Pie, I was hit with the urge to cry. I didn’t know why. There I was, cutting butter into a mixture of flour and sugar and holding back tears. I eventually couldn’t see and thought it ridiculous to try to bake and cry at the same time. I popped everything into the fridge, went into my bathroom, and sat on the toilet to cry. But why was I crying?? I'm not the kind of girl who cries easily.

I thought about our financial struggles and started to bawl and pray about that. Was there anything else? I thought about my place at church and again my gut clenched and more tears came. Where do I fit in? I prayed without words, but instead with tears and random thoughts. Old feelings surfaced, of rejection, skepticism, abandonment, cold-shoulders, being seemingly invisible, walking fragile and left alone, presumed taken care of but not, conditional love….more gut wrenching tears. That season is more or less over, but the hurt and disappointment remains like a residue, and more so than I realized. It makes me a little leery, and distrustful. I want healing from that. I don’t think I’ll be as naïve as I was before, but I don’t want to be neutralized and rendered useless. I don’t want to be robbed of the ability to love people. I don’t want to always feel unsafe and guarded, not even a little bit. Even so, I know I need time to heal, and I want genuine healing. Feelings swept under the rug cause future bumps to stumble over.

God has been so sweet and loving to me over the past year and a half, through every step of my fumbling through the fog. He’s given me everything I desperately needed but was lacking. I have a home where I feel respected, cherished, valued, and protected. I have newly blossoming friendships that I didn’t have before. I have received more strength and healing than I deserve, it truly amazes me, and yet I realize that I still carry so much pain. I want to be everything I was made to be. I don’t want to be a diminished version of myself. I want to live fully, love fully, forgive fully, and continue to grow in maturity.

If you ever see someone who is obviously hurting and fragile, but has retreated out of the need for self-preservation and protection, can I offer you a suggestion? Please don’t wait for them to ask for help, for a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear. That’s a cop-out. I’m sorry, but it really is. Slip them a note. It could be a long note of encouragement, or it could be an “I’m thinking about you”. You would not believe how much that helps. It gives you hope. There were times that Jon and I cried out to God wondering if anyone cared at all. The few times someone would reach out to us, it helped us to survive and not give up on people.

In the end, I am so much happier and content and in so many ways. Life is really really good. Even so, one would be a fool not to want to be free from past hurts and disappointments. I don't want to walk with a limp in any way, if I don't have to. I want to be whole, so I can be wholly alive.

This is the song that had just started playing as I was hit with the spontaneous tears. The lyrics were oddly appropriate.

Garments of Praise - Robin Mark (album: “Celtic Worship: Live from Ireland“)

Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Let the oil of gladness flow down from your throne

Put on the garments of praise
For the spirit of heaviness
Your joy is my strength alone, my strength alone

Make these broken weary bones
Rise to dance again
Wet this dry and thirsty land with a river
Lord our eyes are fixed on you
And we are waiting
For your garment of praise
As we praise your name

we choose love, we choose light

The Submarines - You Me and the Bourgeoisie


Plastic Bottles
Imported Water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy it's sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We're not living the Good life
Unless we're fighting the Good fight
You and Me just trying to get it right

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debts
Cause when our hearts are full we need much less

submit to it and grow, resist it and miss the opportunity...

Autumn has arrived and things will soon begin to look like they've either gone to sleep or died. Personally, I'm having an internal spring. The last 4 seasons have brought sorrow, anger, resentment, and even hatred (a first for me). Even so, just as winter births spring, it also brought good thing after good thing. Out of decomposition can come rich nutrient filled soil to grow strong in.

“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

reverberation

"The real war is inward of which the outer action is but the echo and reverberation." ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick

Forever or Fickle Friends

my cappuccino, jon's puzzle

"Next to hypocrisy in religion, there is nothing worse than hypocrisy in friendship." ~ Joseph Hall

Let me preface this by saying I have done this myself, I have had it done to me, and I'm seeing my friends have it done to them. This post in regards to the latter.

When a long-term close friendship is tested by conflict and a differing of opinions and perspectives, is it right to quit and cast the friend aside? Should we really give a rat's ass about the circumstances that bring about the conflict, or should we just focus on the person? Are we ever justified in allowing our love to grow cold or at least indifferent? Sometimes the answer is "yes" for our own well-being and safety, but I wager that most times the answer is "no".

“Compassion costs. It is easy enough to argue, criticize and condemn, but redemption is costly, and comfort draws from the deep. Brains can argue, but It takes heart to comfort.” ~ Samuel Chadwick

How quickly we abandon and mock those whom we once proclaimed to love.

"A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. But my brothers are as undependable as intermittent streams, as the streams that overflow when darkened by thawing ice and swollen with melting snow, but that cease to flow in the dry season, and in the heat vanish from their channels. ~ Job 6:14-17

my other love

some recent shots taken by Faith and myself.
I've recently begun trying to blog more about my knitting. There's a deep sense of community amongst knitters. We're a very affirming and encouraging bunch.

Between me and my very promising newly discovered photographer, my 11-year-old daughter, journaling my fiber endeavors is fun.

My Other Blog

"Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit, either." ~ Elizabeth Zimmerman

surrounded by mystery

"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick

(photo: a friend's riverside house's porch)

a horrible way to start the day

I had a horrific experience one morning this past week. I woke up, used our bathroom, and walked past our bedroom window. My foggy eyes caught a glimpse of a man looking up to our open window. We didn't find out until a few hours later that a meter reader had been to the house. The meter is by our bedroom window. Thankfully Jon had the presence of mind to call the power company and inquire if one had been to our address. Even so, how it played out didn't add up. After replaying the whole scene with Jon later that day, the only plausible conclusion we could come to is that the meter reader guy heard me in the bedroom and couldn't resist the temptation to peer up in hopes of getting a free show.

The meter is surrounded by bushes in our very private backyard, and quite close to the window. Thankfully the window is too high to just stand and look directly into. I saw that face of his just beyond the bushes, and immediately got out of view as I gasped internally, and then heard nothing. You can't leave the meter without making noise walking through the bushes. Fortunately for him, there's too much room for error on my part to report it.

Because of a previous personal experience, I was traumatized. Because of a previous personal experience, I was shaking like a leaf. I don't know why, but to my eyes he had a sinister look on his face. It was like a living horror movie. I cried. I hated that. I hated feeling afraid. I thought I was tougher than that. In reality I guess we're all vulnerable to being exploited by those who would take advantage of a situation. It made me realize that there's always room for more healing, strength and courage in our lives. We'll never stop needing God's protection, or his rescuing.

(The fact is I am a lot stronger than I was a year ago, and in so many ways. I don't think the enemy likes it when we find new levels of strength, and begin to be set free from seemingly ancient fears. All of this makes me think that whatever really happened that day, it was meant to knock me down a notch or two. In the end, it didn't.)

J.Crew in Prague

I wanted to check out J.Crew.com for fall fashion inspiration, and found this great video to Leona Naess's "Sunny Sunday" song.

Now I need to find some wool to knit a long orange scarf!

needs

What a blessing when a husband tells you this:

"God's given me a real wake-up call these past few months into just how deep and diverse and free-spirited you really are....you're so much strength, creativity and womanhood crammed into one person that it's overwhelming." ~ Jon, Aug. 28, 2008

Every woman needs to hear words of affirmation applicable to her own personality from her man. Similarly, a woman needs to be understood by him. It's like an emotional security blanket that keeps you warm and protected. It's lovely.

"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job." ~ Laurence J. Peter

our yes means yes, no but really!

Isn't it amusing and yet baffling when people are skeptical when you say "I'm doing great, we're doing great", after they ask how you're doing? "Are you really?", they ask. Then Jon is asked the same question by the same person and again it's "Really, you guys are really doing okay?" I suppose it gives Jon and I something to chat about later as we sip our coffee, not that we lack conversation material these days. I bet they think "this", I say. I bet you're right, Jon says. Or maybe they think "that", Jon says. Yup, that's another possibility, I say. Perhaps people think you're in denial, or you haven't dealt with problems, or you're stuffing things down, or you're hiding things. Perhaps in reality they think they know the problem and since the outcome isn't what they expect to see, they are confused. Perhaps they have miscalculated the problem entirely. Things don't add up...maybe their equation is wrong, or at least off the mark.

I can't help but get a little irritated by their doubt, and yet I realize that the questions are asked with sincerity and concern. I find comfort when I am reminded of those with whom we are most intimate who do know how we really are doing. Their happiness for us is satisfaction enough while we wait patiently for others to realize that we are doing damn fine. Finer than fine. In fact, we've never been better.

“Let nothing disturb thee; Let nothing dismay thee; All thing pass; God never changes. Patience attains All that it strives for. He who has God Finds he lacks nothing: God alone suffices.” ~ St. Teresa of Avila

the path of least resistance

"You know the path of least resistance? It can lead through a minefield." ~ Alicia Keys character in "The Nanny Diaries"

a new breed of knitters

I love knitting. I taught myself how to about 3 or 4 years ago. Two years ago I started selling felted bags at Etsy.com. That's slowed down due to other similar projects quietly under way.

Knitters never fail to impress me. On Ravelry, the knitter's social networking mecca, I get to see people's latest designs, creations and projects. Want to know what a knitter looks like? I give you today's knitter below. These are not model shots. These are knitters showing off their own stuff.

Aren't these knitters hot!!?

hindsight

Earlier today I was pondering a dream from last night. It was nighttime and I was going down a beautiful lush country road. The funny thing is I was effortlessly floating down the road, at about the speed of a car. I faced what I was traveling away from and was amazed at the clarity I had. In reality I need glasses to see distance, but in this dream I could see with crystal clear vision. It was dark, but everything was illuminated. I was so amazed at my ability to see so far and so clearly that I thought to myself in the dream "wow, I've never had a dream where I could see this clearly".

I turned to face the road ahead of me and it was foggy. I could see the silhouettes of the trees, but they were shrouded in fog. Isn't that often the situation we find ourselves in? It's the path of faith.

Hindsight is 20/20, or actually 40/20:

"Hindsight is closer to 40/20, which is exceptional vision. This means that from 40 feet away, you see what the rest of us can only see from 20 feet away. Does that make sense? 40/20 hindsight vision indicates that when you step back from a life experience, your perception is amazingly sharper and loaded with much more detail so you can learn the life lesson." ~ Fran Briggs

I'm thankful for hindsight, and for feeling affirmed. I think God often lets you work through stuff, analyze and sort through crap, get angry, harbour hatred, face yourself, swear a lot, get bitter, see the lies and manipulation, and uncover the truth. Then after a time, when you get tired of the hating, he helps you to let that go if you want him to. Maybe it's then that he confirms to you that yes you see things for what they were. By then, you figure "I thought so" but you're too thankful for being out from under it feeling free and healthy that the temptation to get bitter again is too weak to reclaim its grip on you.

“March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

lost in translation

Many MANY moons ago, a certain someone sent us the link to this commericial which for some reason none of us here in this house has ever forgotten:

a strong church body

taken yesterday evening in a vacant apple orchard
For years Jon has read the Bible to the kids before bed. It's a bedtime ritual that has spawned many conversations. The kids are now 15 and 11. I'm so grateful that he does this with them.

Tonight he was reading 1 Corinthians 12 and this part stuck out to us both:

"...there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." ~ 1 Corinthians 12:25,26

It's a reminder that the strength and well-being of each member of the body is essential to it's functioning well.

a mighty fine quote

"To live content with small means, to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never, in a word to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common, this is to be my symphony." ~ William Henry Channing

it goes both ways

"What is slander? A verdict of "guilty" pronounced in the absence of the accused, with closed doors, without defense or appeal, by an interested and prejudiced judge." ~ Joseph Roux

True, but also...

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." ~ Galatians 6:2-5

integrity and truth

my one hydrangea, despite having 3 hydrangea bushes. that makes it special.

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." ~ Spencer Johnson

*jon ripped a page out of a reader's digest magazine after seeing this quote in it, and brought it home from work to show me. it's a good one.

i must ask myself....

"You've got a heart filled with passion.
Will you let it burn for hate or compassion."
~ Jose Gonzalez, (album: In Our Nature)

credulity

"Our credulity is greatest concerning the things we know least about. And since we know least about ourselves, we are ready to believe all that is said about us. Hence the mysterious power of both flattery and calumny." ~ Eric Hoffer

credulity: A disposition to believe too readily.
calumny: A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation.

move night a flop/attempt #2 scheduled for tonight

Well, my "me time movie night" was a flop. Firstly, I was sure "Steel Magnolias" was available to watch online for free (yes I know, tisk tisk). The night I want to watch it, it goes missing.

Then, right before Jon headed to bed he thought he heard something in the garage. He did. It was a bat!! A BAT!!! Kind of disturbing, but after all they're just little mice with wings right??!

I ended up watching "Fool's Gold" which was really cute but.... So the only recourse I have is to try again tonight. I've already seen "Under the Tuscan Sun" but I'd love to see it again. A woman finding her strength. Can't beat that.

me time & movies

Once in a blue, green, purple moon friday I plan to have a "me myself & I midnight film festival" of sorts. This friday will be "Steel Magnolias". Yes, it's true, I've never seen it. I plan to choose movies that might make Jon snore, though to give him credit, he's entirely capable of watching any movie of any genre, be it chick flick or not.

It's been ages since I've had a quiet night to myself. I'd forgotten how nice it is to be free from telephone calls and daytime stuff. Perhaps it's good to have "me time" long before it becomes truly necessary. Preventive medicine.

I have yet to choose movie #2 for the same night, though I will indeed choose another just in case. I'm a night hawk after all.

To start, I found this list of "20 Movies All Women Should See".

I'll knit, record quotable quotes, snack, sip, and enjoy the night.

*not my popcorn photo. just sayin'.

heart knowledge

I watched the movie "Elektra" late last Friday night. Oh how I love movies where women kick some serious butt. Here's a quote that struck me:

"Some lessons can't be taught, Elektra. They must be lived to be understood."

It's not enough to know something in your head. Knowledge has to consummate with your heart in order for you to birth transformation.

a warm weekend

Yes, a warm weekend, but certainly not weather-wise. Lately, the weather has been ultra crappy. The warmth came from people and doing cozy'ish things. Jon took Kelly, myself, and Faith on an exertion to the best yarn shop in New Brunswick, about an hour away from here, where he bought me some 100% silk yarn for a wrap I plan to make. Don't you wish you could reach in and touch this stuff? Remember, it's SILK!


Last week Kelly came over for one of our knitting dates and on Sunday I got to see her finished sweater. Isn't this photo great? Her hubby took it in their "backyard".


I finished an old knitting project and then Faith took some pics for my Ravelry.com page. She did great in taking the photos.


I started a new sweater, in the most gorgeous green. It's good to be doing some personal knitting again.


I finished the weekend by making some fish chowder which Jon claims is the best he's ever had. Not bad for a girl who doesn't love to cook.

leadership

Jon and I were watching the movie "The Core" last night. It's not the most compelling movie in the world, but we were looking for random entertainment. There's a scene where Col. Robert Iverson (Bruce Greenwood) tells a very ambitious Maj. Rebecca Childs (Hilary Swank) a few things about leadership. You see she craves to be the one in control. She wants to be in the driver's seat. She thinks she can do it better. She has skills but lacks humility, and respect and concern for others.

Here's what her Colonel said:

"Being a leader isn't about ability, it's about responsibility."

"You're used to being a winner. You're not really a leader until you've lost."

the strength of women

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” ~ Washington Irving

i am blessed

I am blessed.

I have a Father who is more sweet, kind, loving, helpful, nurturing, strengthening, and understanding than any human could ever hope to be towards me. He's Light in the darkness, and Joy in the morning.

I have a husband who has a new level of insight into who I really am. He respects me. He continually affirms me. He's my biggest defender. He's my safety net.

I have a marriage where open and honest communication is held in high regard. There is no fear where love exists. That's not to say it's easy, but it's an atmosphere that fosters growth and intimacy.

I have two fantastic kids that I simply don't deserve. They are so good and insightful, smarter than many adults I know.

I have friends who seem up for the challenge of not confining me to the person they expect me to be. Friendships are going deeper than ever before, and for that I'm grateful.

For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the season of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.

~ Algernon Charles Swinburne (1837–1909)

some women are wild horses ~ part 3

wild mare and foal
How NOT to treat a woman (or a man for that matter):

belittle her plans and ideas

speak for her and over her

make any conversation off limits

put her down in private or public

treat her like a puppet to be manipulated

play head games

undermine her self-esteem

make decisions for her

deny her your help

embarrass her

treat her as if you know best

mock her intelligence

make her feel guilty for addressing relationship problems

take the trash out and act as though you cleaned the whole house

treat her like a sex object

call her names of any sort

think she should be grateful to be with you

suppress independence

hurt her physically, even in "teasing"

scoff at her thoughts and opinions

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved." ~ written in the Hebrew Talmud

i don't fit that any more

"The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them." ~ George Bernard Shaw

unencumbered

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

gratitude quotes

"lovers" by nicole wong

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." ~ Thornton Wilder

"When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep?" ~ George Canning

thriving

a lovely old window shutter in Old Quebec City

“Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understand, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not.” ~ Virginia Satir

some women are wild horses ~ part 2

Written by my incredibly wise and enlightened husband Jon

a wild mare photo found through google'ing
You can see it in their eyes...the fire, the knowing look, the sense of purpose. It's an inner strength, a deeply complex personality that defies all efforts to be controlled by others. You can't put your finger on it, but it's there...it's real, it's unmistakable. It's a passion, be it ever so quiet, that dwells just below the surface in many women. It's a desire to be free, to run, to pursue the desires of one's heart. To learn, to create, to develop God-given giftings and explore the world as they see it. In many ways, this passion, this need to be free can only be compared to the strength and passion of a wild horse...free, unbridled and strong.

"Love does not dominate; it cultivates." ~ Johann Wolfgang Goethe

Ooooooo Barracuda

Had a blast with friends tonight around our kitchen table. We ended the night with this video from Heart. Two seriously cool women who have stood the test of time.

insight, or the lack thereof

People believe what they want to believe. If it supports their fantasy world, their image of themselves, their image of others, makes them feel better, or makes them feel insightful, it must be right. It doesn't matter if it doesn't add up.

some women are wild horses ~ part 1

Jon and I talk a lot these days about a certain kind of woman we've come to refer to as the "wild horse":

She can't be fenced in. Ever. She needs complete freedom, without any expectations. Always.

You can't make her go where you want her to go. If she trusts your love, she'll walk alongside you. If you trust her instincts, she'll also lead you to places no one else can get to.

You can't try to control or regulate her passion and energy. She has a desperate need to express herself fully. To deny her this would crush her spirit.

If you respect the wildness in her heart, protect and nurture it, she will be yours wholeheartedly.

Some women will slowly die on the inside under any other circumstances. We'll be dying without even realizing it.

This YouTube video below is dedicated to all the wild horses who have bits in their mouths, and are at risk for losing their wild spirit. Despite the pretty horse pictures, I suggest just listening.

All The Wild Horses
Ray LaMontagne

All the wild horses
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away

half truths

"Parts and parcels of truth are the most envenomed shafts which fly from the bow of Satan." ~ William Howells

a warm fire and friends

"Is any pleasure on earth as great as a circle of Christian friends by a fire?" ~ C.S. Lewis

We had a full weekend, spending time with friends here and there. Saturday night we spent time with my fantabulous knitting pal Kelly, her hubby Nathan, and their friend Shane. We ate, laughed at the antics of their big dogs, roasted marshmellows, and ended the night around a colourful fire.